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Lazy bugs infest my La-Z-Boy

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By W.B. Evans

It’s sad that environmentalists only want to protect things like Carolina Heelsplitters.I could use their help right now; I’m on the verge of being endangered, too, and I have Mother Nature to thank for it. According to my wife and a bunch of her girlfriends, our recent thundershowers and pollen have unearthed another critter which is disrupting households from the Panhandle to Boonetown and most places in-between.One of them found a cluster of small eggs nestled in the cushion of her husband’s La-Z-Boy recliner. She immediately searched for (and found) a book laden with notes taken in 1950 during Miss Sarah Craig’s biology class at Lancaster High School. You know, women never throw anything away. I guess they figure that stuff may (or may not) come in handy one day. Oh well, the secret is out; she said it seems those eggs belong to the lazy bug.Yep, the lazy bug.And according to minutes recorded during the most recent National Association of Southern Women, Chapter 13 meeting, a near epidemic of lazy bugs has infested homes where retired husbands are tolerated, especially those along “the Charlotte Road.” Those notes (I snatched them up for some post-bedtime reading on a midnight run to the bathroom), show that old husbands are being repeatedly bitten by lazy bugs causing them to suffer sudden attacks of closed eyelid syndrome. And it’s happening at such frequency that their behavior is now messing up the ladies who depend on husbands to clean the house, keep the toilet seat down, scrub away bathtub rings and haul out the garbage.Evidently, lazy bugs don’t hamper the ability of old fogys to mow grass, trim shrubs and get morning newspapers.I have quickly learned (the hard way) that it is illegal for a former working man and bread-winner to utter the phrase, “But I’m retired,” to his spouse. That is, unless of course, he is willing to hear that a caring wife’s work is never done and that she still suffers from bearing his children and sitting through boring, monotonous PTA meetings.However, the minutes showed there is a cure.A refill package of Swiffer Dusters given as a Father’s Day gift helps recover from lazy bug bites.I just put the notes right back where I found them to cover my tracks.I guess until June 15, replacing the bag in the Electrolux and making preparations to de-bug myself should ease the tendency to shut my eyes every time I climb in the recliner.For now, I’ll act just like the old-time doffers in the No. 3 spinning room at the Lancaster Plant. I am going to do my level best to look busy. Maybe I'll take up smoking so I can stand outside in a thunderstorm and get 15-minute breaks in the morning and in the afternoon.My wife tells me as long as I stay busy, I won't have to worry about falling asleep during the day. If her plan works, I can get back to counting the pulpwood trucks passing by en route to Bowater.You know, maybe I’ll organize an “Old Husband” center filled with La-Z-Boys. That way, each fella can bring his lazy bugs from home. In the meantime, I’ll just sit here awhile in mine and think about it.